…… Myself #refELection

“It’s harder because… well, you know how tolerating each other more sometimes means you’re losing yourself in the process?”

*

Been feeling empty and flat these days—or even weeks. Some emotions did come by, but just for a little while, then part of me shooed them away; leaving emptiness all over again. 

Been trying to avoid loneliness because loads of thoughts would come and ruin my mood, even though only for some good seconds. Yes, couldn’t be any longer because again, that part of me wanted an empty space.

Been finding the definition of happiness by asking and reflecting, but found nothing. ‘What is happiness? How to be happy for now?’ those questions keep running around in my mind with no ends. At this moment, the questions keep hanging unanswered. Emptiness doesn’t want any answers because it just needs nothingness. 

*

Then, this afternoon while finishing up my lunch, I read that—sentence in the first two lines of this page—on Ika Natassa’s Twivortiare. How could I find such enlightenment that describes my current situation perfectly? 

So, yes, I’m now losing myself. Why? The answer is on that quotation. 

I might write something about this;

depends on the ups and downs of the process that I’ve been taking.

How can someone who loses herself keep writing? Because parts of her mind keeps moving.

3 Januari 2018, 15:07

(Agatha Elma Febiyaska)