Tuhan, Sekarang Belajar Apa? #refELection

That quote hit me pretty hard and dragged me back to these few months, weeks, and days when I got broken for some reasons, the one that could be shared and the one that I could only keep for me. I have been facing some problems, from academic, friendship, family, work, and heart.

As a human being, I have so many thoughts running round  in my mind. Moreover, I am a deep-thinker, so I think complicatedly most of the time. I can think about the negative sides, but then I realize the positive sides and I start to get confused or pretty depressed when both sides ‘fight’ to be the winner to dominate my mind.

When I was in that time, I could appear as the usual and normal me, or be 180° different. I could be either too happy or too quiet. And I would only open my problems to those who are close to me; those few persons. However, for some of that few people, I felt sorry that I could not be too open because of……this and that J 

If I have cried in front of people that I trust, but I still felt burdensome, there is a place I will be and a thing I will surely do: Ganjuran and praying. All by myself.

Bagiku, berdoa adalah suatu cara terbaik untuk membuat perasaanku lebih lega, pikiranku lebih ringan. For several times, I cried hard while I was praying and nothing came out from my mouth nor my thought. I just cried.

When I was crying, it was the time when I felt that I was nothing in front of Him. He is so great. He is amazing. His blessings for my life’s been wonderful and there I was, felt so down because of a problem that made me so weak, so all I could do was only cried. I let all my tears streamed down my face for several minutes.

The good thing is, setelah nangis dan berdoa gitu, aku ngerasa lega. Nggak bener-bener lega seketika, tapi aku ngerasa lebih tenang. Ketika berdoa, aku bener-bener cerita ke Tuhan tentang apa yang aku rasain dan aku minta bimbinganNya. Aku pun menyatakan bahwa aku percaya kalau Tuhan akan selalu menggandengku dan menemaniku dalam masa-masa berat itu. Aku percaya itu. Aku percaya Tuhan nggak akan ninggalin aku karena emang Tuhan selalu ada bersamaku.

Terakhir kali when I was in my weakest point, aku bilang kalo aku percaya Tuhan udah bawa aku sejauh ini bukan tanpa tujuan, Tuhan sudah memudahkanku dalam banyak hal, hanya saja aku masih harus menunggu untuk sampai di tujuan yang Ia maksud. Aku meminta Tuhan untuk membuatku yakin apakah aku harus berjalan terus atau berhenti. Aku pun memberikan ‘tenggat waktu’ pada Tuhan. Ya, aku meminta hingga se-detail menyebutkan sampai bulan apa aku harus berjuang. It’s not because of no reason.

The night before, my best friend told me about her experience in ‘asking’ God. She used to be afraid and feel uncomfortable to ask in details to God about what she wanted, but her best friend (which is also mine haha), told her, “Tuhan-mu tuh nggak se-remeh itu. Minta aja secara detail, meskipun Tuhan pasti tahu apa yang kamu pengen.” Dari situ, aku tahu kalau Tuhan sayang banget sama aku dan Ia nggak akan langsung membenciku atau meninggalkan aku cuma karena aku mengutarakan apa yang aku inginkan.

There I was, telling Him what I want. At the end, I told Him that I believe that He was listening to my words at that very moment and I believe that He would make my prayer come true, according to His will. Yes, I know very well, however, that God’s plan is always greater than mine.

Setelah itu, pagi ini, ketika aku membaca quote di atas tadi, aku sadar bahwa memang tidak seharusnya aku komplain tentang masalah yang datang padaku. Akan lebih baik kalau aku menganggapnya sebagai sebuah pelajaran. Seperti masalahku tadi, aku menganggap itu sebagai pelajaran untukku tidak over thinking, being patient, and trying to understand every little signs from Him to keep me on His track. 

Sounds cliché? It’s not, for me, karena aku sudah merasakan ketika aku menganggap masalahku tadi sebagai pelajaran, Tuhan pun memberkati aku dengan beberapa kejadian yang aku rasakan sebagai jawaban-jawaban kecil yang mengingatkanku untuk terus berjalan setelah masalah itu. Tuhan juga sudah memberikan kekuatan untukku tetap berdiri. Bahkan, aku diberikan kekuatan lebih untuk menghadapi ketakutanku, memenangkan kasih di atas benci. Turned out, what broke me down yesterday, could make me feel blessed today. See, how great He is!

Tuhan, selanjutnya belajar apa lagi?

25 Mei 2017, 15:37

(Agatha Elma Febiyaska)