Being Independent (?) #ELaborate

To all independent girls out there, here I am writing to ask, share, and discuss with you about a thing that kinda scares me right now. I’m a girl who never has a boyfriend before, yes I’m 23 and I never once have a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I do like guys men, but it’s hard for me to fall for someone. I may talk about it on another post. For now, I want to say that I’m used to be alone, do many things by myself, go around with my feet only. Moreover, I’ve been living surrounded by best friends and family members who are mostly women and they’ve been showing me how to be independent in life.

I went to malls, watch movies, ate at restaurants, and bought stuff, all alone. At that time, I there was no hesitation to walk by myself. I didn’t really care about people stared at me for being alone in a crowd sometimes. I didn’t feel weird every time I did those activities. Besides, I am gifted such a strong body that can complete me as an independent woman. It’s easy to bring, move, or take some heavy stuff, also it doesn’t matter for me to do things that usually done by men. Pernyataan atau nasehat kayak, “Kamu tuh mbok minta tolong buat bawa beginian” atau “Mbok ya minta dibantu to…” “Welok tenan bisa gitu!” udah biasa buatku. Ketika aku bawa kardus berisi buku yang cukup berat dan teman laki-lakiku menghampiri untuk membantu sembari menasehatiku untuk meminta bantuan, aku cuma menjawab, “Lha wong aku bisa sendiri, kok” atau sekedar kuberikan tawa. Ketika aku merasa bisa melakukan suatu hal sendiri, aku akan melakukannya sendiri, seperti membawa galon air mineral, memanjat tangga, membawa banyak barang dengan ribetnya menggunakan motor, dan hal lain yang mungkin tidak biasa dilakukan oleh perempuan atau biasanya perempuan akan meminta tolong rekan laki-lakinya untuk membantu.

Sampai sekarang, I still do those things, but not as often as I used to. Even now, I am not sure if I still can call myself as an independent woman.

Nggak semua ‘kemampuan’ku tadi menghilang, hanya saja aku jadi enggan untuk berada sendiri di keramaian. Aku jadi takut pergi ke mana-mana sendiri. Bahkan, I know it’s confusing or even weird, aku pernah nangis karena harus sendiran. I hated the quietness around me, moreover it was during night time, on the street, alone in the car….. it got me frustrated a little, so I cried. Aku sempet menegur diriku sendiri dengan kata-kata, “Kenapa sih, kok pake nangis segala? Kan biasanya dulu juga ke mana-mana sendiri. Kamu tuh kenapa?” I did a monolog that myself couldn’t bring any answers.

Is there something wrong with me? There is one thing, among other reasons, that I become who I am today because I feel comfortable with the presence of several individuals in my life. They appear in my life regularly, so that my day would feel different, even messy or confusing, whenever one of them or they’re not by my side. Am I starting to be that dependent? Is that bad? Or any independent women in this world have that side, in which they have the need to be accompanied in going somewhere or doing something that it makes them happy, so they become addicted to it?

I feel that it’s really good to share my time with someone I can talk or do many things to. I feel it’s just right to be helped in several things. Being used to do many things by myself made me surprised and felt awkward when someone did a little thing for me, but I enjoyed it. Really, it’s a nice feeling to share my world, with someone whom I feel comfortable with.

However, I don’t want to feel lost and confused when I have to be in the situation when they’re not available for me. I want to be able to stand on my own feet just as the old times. Being dependent gives me awesome feelings and memories, but turning back from dependent into independent, why it feels kinda difficult?

I’m scared of this thought, but trying not to keep it myself because I love thinking so much and it may be a destructive thing for me. So, I want to share this with you, independent women around me.

Have you ever felt the similar thing like that? I’d be glad to read and discuss about it.

21:31 | April 28, 2017

(Agatha Elma Febiyaska)